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Two Year Anniversary – Apple, AT&T, and the iPhone 3G

02/08/2011
busted iphone 3g

busted iphone 3g

Today is my two-year anniversary!

I’ve been (somewhat) happily married to AT&T since February 8, 2009, a few days after the Steelers won the Superbowl over the more deserving Arizona Cardinals. Have you met my wife yet, the iPhone 3G? We’ve been through a lot together. 11 months ago she underwent a radical change in appearance, developing unsightly cracks and gashes across her formerly clean glass face and pristine backside. And yet I continued to love and care for her as I’m duty bound under contract to do. I may have begun handling her a little more roughly and smacked her around some, but we only truly hurt the ones we love, right?

The relationship was going great, besides the loss of beauty and bodily aging, up until the in-laws at Apple began messing with our relationship. See, they still maintain a large controlling presence in the relationship, and slowly began subverting internally my once beautiful iPhone 3G bride into becoming more of the image of her younger and admittedly more attractive sisters, and yet the old gal couldn’t handle that, becoming sluggish, timid, and resistance to my caresses. She no longer lit up under my fingertips as she once did, and now would become unresponsive and crash out of our interactions. Instead of letting her be loved by her beloved and slowly accentuated and praised by her husband and her playful friends, her parents had to take out her soul and leave her a dead, lifeless hunk of glass and innards.

But now it’s the two year anniversary of our relationship, and the old crow just does not have much life left in her. My once beloved iPhone 3G works for less and less time each day, and requires longer periods to recharge. Recently she has begun shaking uncontrollably at the briefest of touches, vibrating like a pounding headache, and obviously never in the mood for interactivity. Plus, her once tight headphone jack is now loose and entirely too sensitive for even the gentlest of headphones. I’m afraid it may be time to put the old girl down for good. It’s not me…it’s you. Goodbye, my love.

Please…just…just give me a minute.

And now what do I do? For the most part I’ve been happy with my relationship with AT&T; I’ve not been a victim of abuse as so many others have. The relationship has been largely positive, especially in heavily populated areas. Should I consider moving on to my departed iPhone 3G’s little sister, the iPhone 4? But I’ve heard rumors that the previously jailbait iPhone 5 may be coming of age soon…should I wait for her? Is she my heart’s true desire? (Jesus Juke! “What’s God’s one true perfect will for my life?”) Or is she nothing more than that forbidden fruit the Android’s neighbor’s kids have been warning me about for years?

I don’t want to be one of *those people* who make big promises, get in a relationship, and then within a year sells their significant other into slavery or prostitution in order to upgrade to the latest greatest model. Those people are despicable! But oh, how their actions appeal to me…it looks like so, so much fun…and easy satisfaction without breaking early termination clauses…

So right now I’m not certain what I should do. I’m through the grieving period over my iPhone 3G, but I’m hesitant to pursue, court, and purchase the iPhone 4 when a new, younger, tighter, more attractive model could be just a few more months away. I’m not the type of man who is always chasing the newest piece around the block, but I’m worried that the in-laws at Apple will begin messing with whatever my new bride is, causing the same problems to occur as happened with the iPhone 3G. I’d like the relationship to be entirely happy for the two years I have planned for it, but others may take that happiness away from me. I’m just so uncertain right now. The one thing I’m certain of is that I’m sticking with the iPhone family for a little while longer, but the next unit I marry will have a higher intelligence and bigger harddrive than her predecessors! Yowza!

Oh, Apple, I wish I could quit you…

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. superjessleong permalink
    02/08/2011 10:33 pm

    ahaha nice!! myiphone does that ; < i want to downgrade it sooo badly (ios that is ;<)

  2. JohnStM permalink
    02/08/2011 10:41 pm

    awesome post Stuart. Definitely some PG-13 action going on with you and the misses

    • stuartblessman permalink*
      02/08/2011 10:50 pm

      Ha! Thanks John, I had a little too much fun writing this one…

      “Serious, now, Stuart…serious! …repent!”

  3. Kara permalink
    02/09/2011 10:49 am

    Hehe… i see why you felt like blushing while writing this one. It cracked me up though… big time.

    And I think you should stay with AT&T.

    Aaaaannnnd, I will exit the blogsphere yet again.

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